One Last Breath
by gimpy72
Summary: AU – Willow is back from England and working through her feelings and the loss of
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** One Last Breath  
**  
Disclaimer:** I do not own any of these Characters, just borrowed them and wish I did own them.  
**  
Rating:** PG-13

**Summary:** AU – Willow is back from England and working through her feelings and the loss of Tara.  
**  
Feedback:** Pretty please…it helps me improve

**Authors Notes: **_Thank you to __**Willara4ever**__ for all your help with this story. I appreciate your reading it and helping me with the idea._

* * *

**Prologue:**

"It doesn't matter. I'll still love you," said Xander making Willow furious.

"Shut up," said Willow as she slashed magically three large cuts across Xanders face.

"I love you," he said again receiving another round of slashes, this time his shirt tore at the shoulder as larger, deeper wounds appeared. He almost doubled over from the pain. But, again, he looks at her. "I love..." he starts as she knocked him down with a bolt of energy, but her face was starting to show her sorrow.

"I... love you," Xander said staggering to his feet.

"Shut up," said Willow as she blasted him again but he didn't fall.

"I love you, Willow."

"Stop..." she said starting to cry.

"I love you," Xander said as he reached her and she started hitting him with her fists. Willow fell to her knees, sobbing. Her hands over her eyes, her black hair suddenly morphed back to its normal red. Xander gently put a hand on her shoulder.

"I love you," Xander repeated.

* * *

"Why aren't you at your lesson," asked Giles

"I'm sorry," replied Willow.

"It's all right. She was just afraid you -"

"Had gone evil? Yeah, I was gonna destroy the world, but lunch made me sleepy," Willow offered the jest meekly, not being glib.

"She didn't think that. She was just -"

"Afraid. They all are. The Coven is... they're the most amazing women I've ever met. If it wasn't for them, and you... But there's this look they get, like I'm gonna turn them all into bangers and mash or something. Which I'm not even sure what that is."

"They're cautious. I trust you can understand that," said Giles.

"I don't have that much power, I don't think. I was... drained by what happened."

"But everything's connected. You're connected to great power, whether you feel it or not."

"You should just take it from me," said Willow as she rose to follow Giles.

"You know we can't. This isn't a hobby, or an addiction. It's inside you now, this magic. You're responsible for it."

"Will they always be afraid of me?"

"Maybe. Can you live with that?" asked Giles

"I deserve a lot worse," she answered

"That's not an answer."

"I killed people, Giles."

"I've not forgotten."

"When you brought me here... I thought it was to kill me. Or lock me in some mystical dungeon for all eternity, or with the torture...instead, you go all Dumbledore on me, I'm learning about magic, I'm all about energy and Gaia and root systems."

"Do you want to be punished?"

"I wanna be Willow," she said as tears started to well up in her eyes.

"You are. In the end, we are all who we are - no matter how much we may appear to have changed."

* * *

"Are you sure you're ready for this," asked Xander nodding to the entrance to the cemetery. Willow touched his arm and offered a soft smile and continued on her way as he stayed in the background giving her some space.

Willow found the gravestone she was looking for. She knelt and slowly, traced Tara's name in the stone, then the dates. As she reaches the year of Tara's death, her hand begins to tremble.

"Hey," said Willow as she knelt before the gravestone she took some pebbles and placed them atop the gravestone as dictated by her Jewish heritage. "It's me..."

* * *

**Chapter 1**

****Xander found a gravestone that was comfortable to lean against, giving Willow her privacy, yet still being close enough to offer her support and if she needed him. He was in shock to see how frail she had looked when she returned from England, but seeing her now kneeling at Tara's grave was almost too much for him to take. Willow was broken, a shell of the girl he had known most of his life.

"How is she ever going to survive this," he said to himself.

"She'll manage," said Buffy coming up next to him startling him a bit.

"I'm not so sure," he said his eyes never leaving Willow.

"I'm not saying it won't take her a really long time, but I know the resolve she has, she'll come through this."

"I just want her, 'Willow' back so badly."

"We all do Xander, we all do."

* * *

"I'm sorry I haven't been here before…I am sure you saw, though I hope you didn't, but I didn't really deal with your death all that well. You are, were, will always be my everything. I don't know how to live without you baby. It hurts," started Willow hoping that Tara was hearing her.

She traced the name on the gravestone again.

"I'm trying to hold on. I'm trying to learn how to be strong, but part of me just wants to be with you. I found this path while I was in England, it led to nowhere, but I didn't mind, I just wanted away from everyone. I miss you so much…I don't understand why they had to take you and not us…baby, I'm sorry I'm not stronger."

Willow leaned forward and rested her forehead on the cold marble, her tears rolled down the stone pooling at the base.

* * *

Buffy and Xander watched their friend, both felt their heart-strings being tugged at, they wanted to go to her, to take her into their arms, but they knew she needed to do this on her own.

"Are we wrong to stay here," Buffy asked mostly as a rhetorical question, but she in part wanted the reassurance that they were doing what was right.

"I don't know," Xander answered as a whisper.

"She's only been back for a couple days…do you think this was too soon?"

"Buffy, she left for England before we had the funeral, she was gone for several months and she hasn't had her chance to say goodbye."

"Yeah, but she looks so small sitting there," Buffy said as a tear rolled down her face.

"I know, trust me, I know."

* * *

**TBC…**


	2. Chapter 2

**Feedback:** Pretty please…it helps me improve

**Authors Notes: **_Thank you to __**Willara4ever**__ for all your help with this story. I appreciate your reading it and helping me make it cohesive._

* * *

**Chapter 2**

Willow sat there and cried for what could have been minutes, hours, days, she didn't care she just hurt so badly. Xander and Buffy couldn't handle watching the redhead cry alone any longer and made their way over and sat down next to her they each putting an arm around her to help console their grieving friend.

"I'm sorry guys, I thought I would be able to hold it together better," cried Willow.

"It's ok Will, we understand. We just want you to know that we're both here for you," said Buffy leaning her head on Willows shoulder.

"Yeah Will, we love you and want are here to help you as much as you need us. We all loved Tara and miss her," added Xander.

"I, I think that I need to do this in short visits..." said the redhead as she started to shake.

"That's fine, we'll do this in short visits, whatever you need," said Xander.

"Are you cold Willow or is it the emotions causing you to shake?"

"Emotions, I think we need to get me up and out of here before it turns into more," Willow said trying to stand up.

Xander and Buffy stood and then they both carefully helped their friend up. She was a bit unstable on her feet at first; they both supported her until she was able to stand on her own.

"I'm so sorry baby, I'll be back soon...I love you," whispered Willow.

* * *

The trio walked back to the Summers' house all lost in thought. Buffy and Xander replaying what they had seen with Willow at the cemetery and how fragile their friend looked, Willow her thoughts were as they always were - focused on Tara.

"You want something to eat Willow," asked Buffy as they entered the house.

"No thanks, I think I'm just going to go to my room," Willow said hoping that nobody would push her into being social.

"OK, but if you need anything you promise to just let us know."

"I will Buffy. Oh, and thank you both for, um, earlier. I knew it would be hard to go there, but it hurt more than I had thought it would."

"We're family Will, we'll always be there," said Xander giving her a quick hug and then watching her disappear up the stairs. "Do you think she's OK being alone after what happened at the cemetery?"

"She'll be fine Xander, but if it makes you feel better I'll go up and check on her in a bit."

"Thanks Buffy."

* * *

Willow reached the top of the stairs; to her left was Buffy's old room that was now hers...to her right, the room where her world and forever ended. Willow stood in the hall frozen at the memory of what had happened the last time she had been in that room.

_"Things fall apart, they fall so hard..." started Tara as she stood in the doorway, Willow looked up from the bed where she was studying."_

_"Tara..." said Willow._

_"You can't ever put them back the way they were..."_

_"Are you okay?"_

_"I'm sorry, it's just... you know it takes time. You can't just have coffee and expect," said Tara entering the room._

_"I know," said Willow a bit ashamed._

_"There's so much to work through. Trust has to build again, on both sides...you have to learn if you're even the same people you were, if you can fit in each other's lives, it's a long and important process and can we just skip it? Can you just be kissing me now?"_

_Willow searched Tara's face: 'did Tara just…' Tara stared back, nervous but sure. Willow stood as Tara moved to her and they kissed, passionately. Fingers interlocked, holding on to each other as tight as they could. They kept kissing. It was intense, it was passionate, and it was, above all else, love._

That night and into the next morning they made love for the first time since Tara had moved out. The next morning Willow went to check on Buffy after learning that she had been blind to her friends struggle and pain. While in the hall Willow ran into Dawn who then saw Tara peeking out of the bedroom covered only by a sheet causing Dawn to let out a loud squeal. Dawn was so happy and excited for them that she offered to go to the basement and watch TV really loudly.

They made love several more times and the next day that was the day her forever ended...

_"Hey. Clothes." commented Willow_

_"Don't get too used to them," Tara warmly said with a sensual smile._

_"Yes, ma'am," Willow said as she pulled Tara into a soft, tender, and loving kiss._

_"Mmmm...Xander," said Tara._

_"Okay, not quite the response I was fishing for."_

_"No, he's here."_

_"Think they're making up?"_

_"I hope so. That's the best part," Tara said turning back from the window to face Willow._

_Then it happened...she felt the warmth of something on her face..._

_"Your shirt..." Tara started to say as she collapsed to the floor having been shot in the back by a stray bullet._

_"Tara?" said Willow kneeling over Tara trying to get her to move. "Tara? Come, on baby. Get up. Please. Tara..."_

_She gently stroked her lovers hair as she sobbed. "No... no... no..._

_Oh God. No- Please, please..._

_Come on, come on... Tara! Come back, baby..."  
_  
It was then lost in grief and anger that she lost control and her world spiraled into the hell it now was._  
_

Willow squeezed her eyes closed and placed her hand on the door, _"Oh god baby, how do I live without you?"_ Willow quickly moved into her room she could feel her self-control waning.

* * *

"Do you think that she'll be ok here? I mean there are so many memories of Tara here," said Xander.

"I'm certain she'll be just fine," Giles stated as he entered the living room.

"Hey G-man," said Xander to the former Watcher who had returned with Willow from England. "I just meant if it is too much for her in such a fragile state she can come and stay at my place. I don't have a lot of space, but it would be a safe environment devoid of memories."

"We'll have to see how she's doing either later tonight or tomorrow," said Buffy.

"Ok, I'm just worried about her."

"We all are, but the coven wouldn't have let her leave if they didn't feel that she was capable of handling herself," said Giles.

"Yeah Giles, but thinking someone can handle something and having them actually do it our two VERY different things. You didn't see her at the cemetery," said Buffy.

"Bloody hell, you guys took her to the cemetery. What were you thinking?"

"We were thinking that it was where she wanted to go and it might help her being able to talk to Tara and tell her goodbye," Xander said defensively.

"How did she handle it?"

"Not well, though better than I had anticipated. How would you think she would handle it, honestly," said Buffy.

"Well, I don't suppose anyone would handle that well," admitted Giles.

"I was really proud of her for being the one to make the call to leave…she knew her limit and was the one that said we needed to leave," Xander reminded Buffy.

"That's true, she did tell us that she needed to leave," Buffy said proud of her friend.

"Wow, I wasn't sure she'd be able to do that, ever," said Giles.

* * *

"Tara, baby? I hope that you can hear me…I love you," whispered Willow as she closed the door to the bedroom behind her and tears started to slowly roll down her face.

Willow went to the chair by the bed and pulled out from the bag on the chair some herbs and salts to help her create a cleansed place to meditate from. Willow had worked with the coven on how to use meditation to help with overwhelming emotions. She had spent a lot of time at the coven in a meditative state.

Spreading the salts into a circle on the floor, Willow then changed into some loose clothes and put the herbs into a mortar and ground the herbs together and placed them into a herb oil infuser, she moved over to the circle and placed the infuser in it. Willow moved around the room and lit a few candles and then turned the lights down. Looked around the room to make sure everything was correct to get the best energy, Willow the sat down into the circle and lit the infuser. She closed her eyes and began her chant; easing herself into that state she knew so well from her time in England.

* * *

"Hey Buffy," said Xander after they finished eating.

"Yeah," replied Buffy.

"Do you think we should maybe check on Willow? It's been pretty quiet up there and she didn't come down for dinner."

"Sure, I'll go check on her and see if she is ready for dinner," with that Buffy left the room and headed upstairs to check on Willow.

Buffy reached the top of the stairs and it struck her how hard it must have been for Willow to walk past the room where Tara died in her arms. Buffy's heart broke remembering finding the body on the floor she couldn't imagine how hard it would have been for Willow.

After standing there for a couple of minutes Buffy noticed a scent coming from Willows room and softly knocked on the door but didn't receive a response.

"Hey Will," said Buffy softly as she started to open the door hoping not to wake her friend if she was asleep. As she opened the door the scent became stronger. She looked inside and saw Willow in a deep meditative trance. Buffy watched as the redhead sat there looking so serene. A closer look showed tears streaming down the red-heads face. Buffy wanted to reach out and touch her friend but knew that while she was meditating that would be a bad thing. She sat down on the bed and watched the redhead, Buffy wanted to make sure she was there when Willow finished meditating. She wanted to make sure that Willow was OK, that today wasn't too much for her.

* * *

******TBC…**  



	3. Chapter 3

**Feedback:** Pretty please…it helps me improve

**Authors Notes: **_Thank you to __**Willara4ever**__ for all your help with this story. I appreciate your reading it and helping me make it cohesive._

* * *

**Chapter 3**

Willow meditated for a couple of hours, Buffy watched as tears fell down her friends face most of this time. She wanted to take the redhead into her arms and hold her, but she trusted Giles and Willow to know what she needed best. Willow had been through a lot since Tara died and she had gone on her revenge rampage.

As Willow came out of her meditative state, she sensed before even opening her eyes that she was not alone, she could tell that Buffy that was in the room with her.

"Hi Buffy," said Willow before she even opened her eyes.

"I hope I didn't ruin any of you meditation or vibes or whatever it is. Xander and I were worried about you so I came up to check on you and then I just didn't want to leave you alone."

"No, once I get fully into the meditation my mind and body disconnect in a sense and I don't notice what is going on around at all."

"Um, Willow, is that a good thing here on the Hellmouth where the things that go bump in the night are really going bump in the night?" Buffy said with a smile.

"Yes, even here on the Hellmouth this is safe. The circle that is around me is a special circle; I am fully protected from any monster or baddies that would cause me harm."

"That is some major mojo then," said Buffy her concern for her friends magic abuse creeping up inside.

"Not really, it is more using the earth and its connections to channel the energy to protect me," said Willow sensing where her friends true concern was coming from.

"Channeling and using huh, what, huh?!"

"I was taught it's all connected. The root systems, the molecules, the energy...everything is connected. I then use that to channel energy into my circle to protect me while I try to find my center and peace."

"Wow that is really deep Will. So, you learned that at the coven?"

"Yeah, it was one of the lessons that Ms. Harkness taught me."

"So, she was one of your witchy teachers? How are you dealing with things from today?"

"Yeah, she was one of the teachers, though everyone there was afraid of me. I know you guys are too, but I have it under control. As for how I am dealing with today…it hurts more than I can describe. She's really gone," Willow said as she started to cry.

"I know and I wish I could either bring her back or make the pain less," Buffy said pulling her friend into a hug and letting Willow cry on her shoulder. "Will, we aren't scared of you, we're scared for you."

"It feels like the same thing with how you treat me and how you look at me," Willow explained. "I feel like you guys are just waiting, expecting me to snap and go back to Dark Willow. It won't happen, Giles wouldn't have allowed me to come back here if that were a possibility. Moreover, I don't have that much power, I don't think. I was...drained by what happened."

"We don't mean to add to the stress or make you feel like we don't believe in you or aren't supporting you. I'm sorry that we made you feel that way though."

"I know you may not mean it, and I know that you guys are there for me, but now things are raw for me."

"I'll talk to Xander and we'll try harder Willow. Do you want to go back to visit Tara tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I think that I want to go back for a bit," said Willow as she heard a soft knock on the door.

"Come in," said Buffy still holding Willow as tears randomly rolled down her face.

Xander opened the door and stuck his head inside.

"How we doing in here," he said as his voice broke when he saw that Willows eyes had a red tinge to them.

"Yeah," Buffy said softly motioning for Xander to come and sit by her and Willow.

"Will, your crying, what's going on," he asked.

"It hurts, I feel like I'll never be whole again."

"I don't know how it feels because you and Tara were always meant for one another, but it will get better. You didn't make it down for dinner are you hungry?"

"I don't think that I could eat tonight," said Willow. "I think I'm going to turn in soon."

"OK, we'll let you get some rest," said Buffy as she hugged her friend again and headed towards the door.

"Night Wills," said Xander giving her a hug and following Buffy out the door.

Willow watched them leave and then changed into her pajamas and got settled in bed.

* * *

"You were in there for a long time," started Xander as they headed down to the living room.

"She was meditating when I first got up there. It was a surreal thing to watch Xander. She looked so peaceful yet there were tears rolling down her face pretty much the entire time. After she finished crying we talked for a bit. She told me that we are looking and treating her like we are just waiting, and expecting her to snap and go back to Dark Willow."

"You explained to her that it isn't true right?"

"Yeah, but we still need to make an effort to watch what we're doing, at least for a while."

"OK, I'll try to watch myself, but if you see me doing it, let me know and I'll do the same for you," said Xander.

"Sounds good to me," replied Buffy.

"Did you talk about going back to the cemetery tomorrow?"

"Yeah, she said she wanted to go back for a bit."

"Then that is what we do," Xander said with concern.

* * *

Willow lay in bed staring at the ceiling thinking about the day, being at the cemetery, seeing the gravestone and then she drifted off to sleep.

_Willow was walking through the cemetery when she saw Warren sitting on the gravestone belonging to Tara. She started to run to get there faster to get him off her grave. He had no business being there, hell she killed him._

_"Get away from her," she screamed as she ran._

_"I don't think so," he yelled back._

_"You have no right to be anywhere near her."_

_"You killed me, she was important to you, that gives me every right to be here," he yelled back._

_"You killed her first you bastard."_

_"Yeah, I did. I guess you think that makes us even don't you?" Warren exclaimed as Willow finished closing the distance between them._

_"We'll never be even, she didn't do anything to you, she was an innocent."_

_"How does an innocent end up with the likes of you then? Was she trying to save you from yourself?"_

_"Shut up, she was my everything, my soul mate, my world."_

_"Oh, poor baby, cry for me," he scoffed. "She was nothing and now she will be nothing."_

_"You bastard," Willow screamed feeling the anger boiling beneath her skin._

_"That's right, get mad, let the real you out. Come on, show us what you got," he laughed as she saw hoards of vampires and the big bads that they have defeated over the years flash around the area._

_"You don't get it do you, I'm not that person anymore, I've changed, I know better now," she said._

_"You are a murderer and you will always be a murderer. You will never be better, you will never see her again."_

_"You don't control my destiny, you don't make that decisions. You just go back to hell where you belong."_

_"Do you want me to save you a spot?"_

_"Willow," came a soft voice from behind Warren._

_"Tara," Willow said with her voice shaking._

_"Yeah, it's me," came the voice again._

_"Say your goodbyes now, maybe I should take her back to hell with me and we can wait for you together," laughed Warren as he reached towards Tara._

_"You keep your hands off her," Willow called stepping in-between them._

_"Sooner or later I will have either you or her, you will make that choice for me. It is just a matter of time," Warren sneered._

_"Go back to hell," Willow screamed again._

_"I'll be back…and when I come back, maybe we'll make your love here pay for some of you past deeds."_

_"You stay away from her…"_

_As Warren started to fade Willow noticed that Tara was as well._

_"Tara, baby," cried Willow._

_"Willow, is that you," said the fading vision of Tara._

_"Tara," Willow said trying to get to the figure before it faded away completely._

_"Willow, Sweetie, where are you?"_

_"TARA," screamed Willow as she just missed the figure._

Willow bolted up in bed in a cold sweat screaming Tara's name.

"TARA!"

* * *

**TBC…**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4  
**  
Buffy heard Willows scream and bolted off the couch and up the stairs to where her best friend was sleeping. She entered the room to find Willow cowering in a corner of the bed shaking and sobbing.

"Willow," Buffy said receiving no answer or acknowledgement from the redhead that she had even heard her. "Wills," she tried again, but still received no response. She wasn't sure if approaching the redhead would be the best idea until she knew that she had her attention.

Xander and Giles quickly made their way up the stairs and were standing in the doorway watching the events unfold.

"Buffy, is she alright," asked Giles very concerned about what could have made the Slayer bolt out of the room and up here.

"I don't know Giles," said Buffy her eyes never leaving Willow.

"What the hell happened," asked Xander?

"I don't know, while we were talking I suddenly heard Willow scream Tara's name so I got up here as quick as I could. Once I got into the room this is how I found her. She isn't responding, I don't even know if she knows I'm here," said Buffy.

"Willow," Giles said in his soft voice, but received no response. He moved into the room closer to where the frail body was. Giles saw her shaking and the tears rolling down her face. He started to move closer and she pulled back further into the corner.

"Willow, it's me, Xander. Can I come over to the bed by you?"

There was no answer, no movement from the redhead on the bed. He moved closer and slowly sat down on the end of the bed, Willow pulled herself into a smaller ball.

"Willow, we love you and we want to help," Xander said reaching an arm out towards her and hearing a strangled whimper or cry escape her body. He pulled his arm back and watched to see if there was any reaction from her, there was nothing. He got up feeling defeated.

"Why don't you guys go out in the hall and let me see if I can get closer, or find out what is going on," said Buffy broken-hearted.

"What's going on," asked Dawn entering the room and seeing Willow cowering in the corner and the concerned look on everyone's face.

"Dawnie," came a barely audible whisper from the where Willow was. At that sound everyone snapped their head to look at the teen.

"What's going on?" she asked again.

"Willow screamed out Tara's name and by the time we got up here she was like this," Buffy said motioning towards Willow. "She hadn't said a word until you came in, she only cowered further into the back corner of the bed."

"Well, why don't you guys leave and I'll try to get closer to her," offered the teen.

"I don't know that I feel comfortable with that," said Buffy.

"I think we have to try it, look at her Buffy," said Xander pointing to Willow

"I have to agree with Xander. It looks like the only option we have, Dawn is the only person to evoke any reaction from her," said Giles.

"Fine, but I will be RIGHT outside the door," said Buffy.

The three adults left the room closing the door quietly behind them.

"Willow," Dawn said cautiously moving towards the bed.

"Dawnie," she heard whispered again.

"Yeah, it's me. I'm alone; it is just the two of us."

Dawn finally got to the bed and when the moonlight hit Willow's face she could see the fear and tears. She moved a bit more to make sure she was close enough for Willow to see it was here, but far enough away so that Willow wouldn't feel threatened. She watched intently as Willow watched her, she was watching her, almost as if she were trying to figure out if she were really there or not.

"Dawn," Willow said again this time slightly turning her head to the teen.

"Yeah Will, it's me," she said holding her hand out towards Willow.

Willow watched this, inside her was battling the urge to reach out and touch the girl. _'What if she isn't real, what if I'm still dreaming,'_ she thought to herself. _'I don't think I can take it if she isn't real, if this is still a dream. Warren can't have Tara, he has to take me, I am the one that deserves it…'_

Dawn sat quietly and watched the internal war raging within Willow. She wished there was something that she could do that would help the redhead, but she didn't have any idea of anything that would help. She was afraid to move closer and afraid to reach out towards the redhead any further because she didn't want to frighten her any more than she already was.

"Help me," squeaked Willow as she curled further into a ball and the shaking became more violent. Willow was almost thrashing at this point and close to hitting her head on the headboard and wall.

Dawn couldn't sit by and watch this any further, she lunged for the redhead and wrapped her tight in her arms and held her as close as she could.

"Buffy get in here now," she called deeply frightened by what was happening to Willow. Buffy burst through the door to find her sister holding the still violently thrashing and crying girl.

"Dawn, what happened?" asked Buffy.

"She said help me and then started to thrash harder, I was afraid she was going to hurt herself she was coming so close to the headboard and wall. Buffy, what is going on? What is wrong with her," cried Dawn holding on to Willow with all her might.

"I don't know what is going on," Buffy said as she moved to the bed and took Willow into her arms and held her and Dawn close. The two of them had her pinned between them stopping her ability to thrash. The tears were still flowing like a waterfall down her face.

"Buffy," said Giles from the doorway.

Willow whimpered and tried to pull away at the sound of his voice.

"Giles get back. You and Xander need to close the door and wait for us to let you know it is ok to come in. I don't know what is going on, but she is trying to pull away from where you are."

"OK, we'll be in the hall," Giles said as Xander started to protest he closed the door.

"It's ok Will, they're gone. It is just you, me, and Dawn," Buffy said as she started to rock the redhead.

"He has her," whispered Willow in a very frightened tone.

"Who has who?" asked Buffy.

"Warren, he has Tara," Willow cried.

Buffy and Dawn exchanged looks, neither knowing where Willow would have gotten that idea and neither knew what to say to her.

"No, Willow, he doesn't. Tara died and is in heaven," said Dawn.

"No, they came to me in my sleep and he said that he was taking her to hell with him and they were going to wait there for me to join them," cried Willow.

"Willow, no, Tara would never be allowed out of heaven to go to hell with him. She was full of light and good. They wouldn't allow her out," said Buffy rocking the other two to try to comfort Willow.

"He said he was going to take her back with him and make her pay for some of my past deeds."

"Willow, there is no way that Warren or anyone can or will take Tara to hell. You have to believe me," pleaded Buffy. "Tara's mom, my mom, The Powers That Be, the Goddesses, all of them would keep her in heaven and make sure she was safe."

"No, Buffy, he has her. I have to find a way to help her."

"Willow, would it help you if we went back to the cemetery when it gets light out and you can see that Warren wasn't there and that she is safe?" asked Dawn her heart breaking listening to the guilt and fear in Willows voice..

"What if he's there?"

"Then you will have Buffy, Xander, Giles, and me to protect you and Tara if she shows up," offered Dawn.

"I don't want you guys in danger," said Willow.

"And we don't want you in danger nor do we want you believing that Tara is in hell. We will prove it to you, in the morning."

"Will someone stay with me tonight?" asked Willow.

"We both will," said Dawn.

"She's right. I am going to quickly go tell Giles and Xander what is going on and then we'll go to sleep," said Buffy.

"Thank you," said Willow her voice allowing them to hear how truly exhausted she was.

"Lay down and Dawn will stay with you until I get back. I will just be in the hall, so if you need me just call for me," said Buffy.

Willow and Dawn lay down, Dawn holding Willow as Buffy went out into the hall and told the others what was going on and that they are planning ongoing to the cemetery probably really early in the morning and they needed to be ready.

* * *

**TBC…**


	5. Chapter 5

**Feedback:** Pretty please…it helps me improve**  
**

_**Authors Notes:**__ Thank you to __**Willara4ever**__ for always being willing to read or help when I get writers block...life's drama's do NOT help with writing, but having great helpers/collaborators does!_

**Rating: PG-13 - this will be a rough chapter...**

* * *

**Chapter 5**

Willow awoke with a start, she felt disoriented, her head was pounding and she couldn't shake the memories of the dream from last night. She looked at the blonde sleeping on one side of her and the brunette sleeping on the other side, they both looked peaceful and she was jealous. Willow couldn't remember the last time she had a good night's sleep, let alone one where she felt peaceful. Well, she know when that last was, it was the last night she spent with Tara. They had made love most of the night; but when they did sleep she felt complete and at peace.

_'I'm never going to feel that calm and complete again,'_ Willow thought to herself.

Willow started to move to get up and the Slayer pinned her down.

"Going somewhere Rosenberg," she mumbled.

"Oh, um, you're awake," Willow said stunned that Buffy felt her move even the slightest bit.

"I am, now where were you going?" asked Buffy a lot more awake than she was before.

"I was just going to um, go to the bathroom and get dressed," Willow said questioningly.

"Try again, Willow," said Dawn.

"Crap, you're awake too," asked Willow.

"Well, if I'm not we have another more disconcerting issue to look into," Dawn said with a smile.

"You were going to try to sneak off to the cemetery alone weren't you," Buffy said almost glaring at the redhead.

"I wouldn't call it sneaking, I was going to leave you a note," Willow said sheepishly.

"Willow, we are all in this together, you need to realize that. You don't need to do this all alone," said Buffy as she moved off the bed to allow Willow room to get up.

"I don't want to burden anyone," Willow mumbled.

"We're going to pretend you didn't say that," scoffed Dawn.

"Fine, then can we get ready and leave soon. I need to find out how much of that dream was true," Willow said as her voice cracked when she thought about Tara going anywhere with Warren, let alone to Hell.

"It was a dream Willow. Nobody in their right mind, Gods, Goddesses, The Powers That Be, Guardian Angels, nobody is going to let Tara leave heaven and if they do they are not going to allow anyone or anything to take her to Hell. She is to pure of a spirit for that," said Buffy.

"I can't shake this feeling though. Until I see her gravestone and can verify that nothing has happened to her I can't think about anything else."

"OK, you and Dawn get ready, I'll go tell Xander and Giles what is going on and we can head out as soon as you two are ready."

"Thanks Buffy," Willow said with a forced smile.

Everyone got ready and they left the Summers' house fifteen minutes later. As they walked to the cemetery Willow kept a vigilant eye out for any signs that her dream had been real. As they neared the cemetery Willow slowed her pace down, she wasn't sure what she would do or what would happen if her dream was real and something else happened to Tara.

"Do you want one of us to go ahead and check things out?" asked Xander.

"I don't know, I just, I really don't know what is best here," Willow admitted.

"I'll go first, and you guys take you time in getting there. If there is a problem, I'll let you know," said Giles.

"Thank you," Willow said giving him a hug.

Giles went ahead of everyone else, he navigated through the cemetery having patrolled it for so many years and then from visiting Tara's gravestone when he was back in Sunnydale.

Once he arrived at the gravestone and found that everything appeared in order. He hadn't been there the night before to know, but from what he could tell all was OK. He heard the others coming up the path and he walked back towards them.

"From what I can tell, everything appears in order," Giles said.

"OK, we'll let you know if anything has changed since last night or not," said Buffy.

Willow came to a halt two rows away from the one that was Tara's. She could feel her pulse starting to race and her chest start to tighten. She felt like she was going to pass out.

Dawn seeing the slightest sway from the redhead was over there next to her in a second and had her arms out to catch the redhead should she faint.

"Take it easy Willow. Are you sure you're up to this?" asked Dawn.

"I can't continue not knowing, but if it is or was real then I'm scared about what I will do or how I will react," admitted Willow.

"The fact that you are even concerned on how you will react says a lot," Xander said speaking for the first time since they left the house.

"OK, I need to go the rest of the way alone," Willow said taking a deep breath.

"Are you sure?" asked Xander.

"Yeah, but don't go far, ok guys."

"We'll be no further than right here," Buffy said as she reached out and squeezed Willows hand.

Willow walked forward, slowly, timidly, but most of all cautiously. She looked all around, trying to find any hint or remnant left over from her dream. She was now a row away from Tara's gravestone, her chest started to tighten again. She stopped for a minute and then continued to the gravestone. Willow found that everything was the way they left it the night before. The rocks were still on top of the gravestone, the ground unmarred, everything looked normal.

Willow knelt and traced the letters in Tara's name with her right index finger. She felt a lump grow inside her throat.

"Hi Tara," she started. "I told you that I'd be back. I had a rough night last night; thankfully, Buffy and Dawn were there to keep me grounded. You were there, and so was Warren. I hope you are still up in heaven my love. I don't know that I could live with myself if my dream were to come true. Oh, I suppose you don't know about the dream, or do you get to see our dreams?

Last night I dreamed that Warren came and took you to Hell to wait for me and he was going to make you pay for some of my past deeds. I can't and won't let that happen. Buffy and Dawn told me that it wouldn't and couldn't be real. I want to believe them but it felt so real baby. I miss you so much Tara," Willow said as she felt the tears coming again.

"I can't help that I keep crying when I'm here, I want to be strong like an Amazon, I just feel so empty. You were the best part of me, you still are. I take a breath and I feel guilty for it, I should have been me that got shot and died. You never would have done all the horrible things that I did. Everyone has told me that it will get easier, but I don't know how they can honestly say that; they haven't had their light, their everything stolen from then for no reason. I would trade places with you in a heartbeat if I could, I know that isn't what you'd want, but I am the one that screwed up. I can't help but wonder if I hadn't gotten addicted and you hadn't left, would you still have died?"

"Willow," said Dawn coming to sit beside the redhead. "You can't blame yourself any longer. What if's aren't going to help you and they aren't going to bring her back."

"Do you think she can hear us?"

"I hope so. I spent a lot of time out here talking to her while you were in England. I know what you mean by feeling a whole and incomplete. I know it isn't to the same degree, but I feel it."

"I know Dawnie, Tara always knew how much you loved her. I think that was what made her leaving so much harder for her. She wasn't just leaving me, she was leaving you too…oh god Dawnie, I am so sorry, I took her away from you too."

Willow collapsed against the gravestone feel a fresh and new level of grief and shame. It was her fault that Tara was dead, she had robbed Dawn of a motherly figure, she had done it, nobody else. She didn't deserve to be here, it should have been her in that cold grave.

"Willow," said Dawn as the redhead started hyperventilating.

"Buffy," Dawn screamed.

Buffy, Xander, and Giles raced to where the girls were and found Dawn cradling the redhead who was hyperventilating and having what almost looked like a seizure.

"What is happening?" cried Dawn.

"It is the grief, she had several episodes like this when we were in England," said Giles taking the redhead from the petrified teen.

"How do we stop it?" Xander squeaked as he was finding it hard to breathe with his best friend convulsing in front of him.

"Just hold her and hope it ends soon," said Giles.

"What the hell kind of crap is that," snapped Buffy. "Hope it ends soon? Everyone knows that the body can only last so long in that state before there is permanent damage."

Everyone watched Giles as he held Willow close and rocked her…_'Come on Willow, you have to make this stop…we can't afford to lose you too'_ thought Giles.

The tremors were getting stronger; Giles was having a hard time holding on to her…

* * *

**TBC…**


	6. Chapter 6

******Willara4ever: ** They never let Willow properly grieve on the show and that always bothered me. I'm glad you like the update.****

**JustJane18:** I hope you continue to be intrigued by the story and where it goes. ****

Feedback: Pretty please…it helps me improve

**_Authors Notes:_**_ Thank you to **Willara4ever** for always being willing to read or help when I get writers block...life's drama's do NOT help with writing, but having great helpers/collaborators does!_

* * *

** Chapter 6**

"Dawn, what were you two talking about? What brought this on?" asked Buffy.

"She was talking about how it should be here in the grave, and then she said that she was sorry that she took Tara away from me," said Dawn looking over to where Willow was.

"What does that mean, she should have been the one to die or that she took Tara away," said Buffy.

"Willow thinks that if she hadn't gotten addicted to the magic and Tara wouldn't have left that they wouldn't have been in the bedroom and Tara wouldn't have been shot. Then she said that she realized that Tara was a mothering figure to me and she said she was sorry she took her away from me and she wanted me to forgive her. I tried to tell her there was nothing to forgive because it wasn't her fault, but I didn't get the chance."

As the seizure started to subside, Giles and Buffy held the limp redhead in their arms. The group was standing there in shock, Giles had never said anything about Willow having seizures or that the guilt and grief were so strong.

"I can carry her home," said Buffy softly.

"Not yet, we need to let her body rest before we move her," said Giles.

"OK, then G-man you can explain to us what the hell just happened and why," snapped Xander.

"It's really very simple. The grief and the guilt that Willow feels for Tara's death overwhelms her and her senses go into overload and her body goes into a seizure. Once the body has expelled the extra energy that it has built up the tremors stop and after a while she is tired but OK."

"And you neglected to tell us this, why?" accused Buffy.

"We thought that with the meditation we had these under control. It has been a couple of months since she had one, before that they were a few times a week," said Giles.

"Giles, you still should have told us," said Dawn.

"Dawn's right," said Xander.

"I'm sorry all of you," said Giles sheepishly.

"It's ok Giles, I just want Willow to get better and for us to have her back as the real Willow," said Dawn.

"You know that because of the loss of Tara and what she tried to do after killing Warren that she will never be the same Willow."

"Yeah, we know Giles; seeing Willow like this isn't living for her either," replied Buffy.

"I think it is safe to move her now. Buffy can you carry her, but be really careful not to jostle her too much, if she gets moved around too much the tremors will come back those tremors will be stronger and more intense."

"I don't want to think about how you know that! I can carry her without jostling her," said Buffy picking Willow up in her arms and heading back to the house.

The walk back to the Summers' house was quiet and filled with deep thoughts, concern, and love.

* * *

Willow felt herself almost floating around the room; she looked around to try to determine where she was, she couldn't seem to find anything that would give her a clue.

"Willow," said a soft voice that made her breath catch.

"Tara? Baby is that you," said Willow.

"Yes Sweetie, it is me," Tara said stepping into the light of the room so that Willow could fully see her.

"Goddess you are the most beautiful woman on this planet," said Willow making Tara blush.

"And you are the most beautiful woman I'll ever know and love on any plane of existence."

"Charmer. Why am I here?" asked Willow.

"You are here because The Powers That Be wanted me to come and talk with you. They are worried about you Will; I am worried about you. You need to let the guilt go and start working through the grief."

"It's my fault Tara, I am the reason that you are dead," said Willow.

"No baby, the reason I am dead is because Warren Mears put a stray bullet through my heart, not because of something you did wrong or to punish you," Tara said pulling Willow into her arms.

"Tara, if I hadn't gotten addicted to magic, you wouldn't have left, we wouldn't have been in the bedroom near the window that day for him to shoot you," cried Willow.

Tara held Willow tighter in her arms.

"Oh Sweetie, you don't know that. We could have been there, it wouldn't have been the first time we got up late because we had been otherwise occupied, or we could have been in the back yard with Buffy and he could have gotten all three of us. We will never know, but we do know that it wasn't your fault."

"I had a dream Tara that Warren took you to hell to wait for me; he was going to make you pay for what I had done to him until I got there. I need to find out how to keep you safe."

"Willow, The Powers That Be won't let that happen, it can't happen ever. As for you going to hell, I will not allow that and if I can't stop it then I will go there with you. You are my eternity and my afterlife. I am going to be waiting for you to come to me, but I want you to promise me that I'm going to be waiting for a very, very long time."

"I can't promise that, I don't want to promise that. I don't know how to live without you baby," cried Willow.

"You will find a way, I know you will. I want you to be there for Buffy and Xander, I need you there to look after Dawnie. I can feel she is lost in a way like you are, you need to be there for her, to help her through this," said Tara still holding her crying lover.

"I need you Tara; I can't live a life without you."

"You have to Willow. Sweetie, I love you so much and I want nothing more than for you to be here with me, but it isn't your time yet. We aren't meant to be here together yet."

"But I want to stay here with you."

"Do you remember your lessons with the coven and how everything has a purpose in making life and in nature, you have a place and a purpose that you need to fill, for me," Tara said with confidence.

"How long? How long do I have to live and hurt without you?" asked Willow?

"Until it is your time to come to me baby," said Tara.

"Tara Maclay, you know damn well that is not an answer," Willow said pulling back a bit from Tara's embrace to look her in the eyes.

"There is no written plan Willow, I just know that you are needed to help our family and to keep them safe. When it is your time, you will join me and we'll spend eternity together, but first, you need to take care of the others."

"That isn't fair," said Willow getting angry.

"No it isn't fair, but it is how it has to be."

* * *

"Giles, are the tremors and seizures the reason that she is so thin and frail?" asked Buffy as she put Willow into her bed.

"Not exactly, the grief and the guilt are more of the reason."

"I feel like we're losing her," said Dawn.

"I have felt that for a long time as well. I watched her in England and the light that was in her eyes is gone. I don't know how to give it back to her; how do you give someone back the air that they need to breathe when that air no longer exists?" asked Giles.

"You can't," said Xander from the doorway. "Willow will need our support, but she has to get through this on her own. I don't like it any better than either of you do, but I don't think we have any other choice."

"When did you realize this," said Buffy.

"On the walk back, watching you carry her," said Xander.

"Xander we can't just abandon her until she gets this figured out," said Dawn as a tear rolled down her face.

"I don't think that I said anything about abandoning her, I said that she needs to get through this on her own. Willow is the only one that can make this work and make peace with what has gone on."

"I'm afraid that Xander is right, I just don't know how we make it all work," said Giles.

* * *

"Why did they let you come here today?" asked Willow.

"Because you weren't going to listen to anyone else," Tara said with a lopsided smile.

"Is this real or a dream," Willow said leaning into Tara and feeling herself being pulled closer.

"After all that you know about the mystical world, can't this be both? I miss you Willow, but I get to watch over you while I'm up here, I saw what you have been through and the struggles you have had to get back from the edge. I'm so proud of you for getting to where you are now."

"Am I ever going to see you again if we leave this place?"

"I'll always be in your heart and in your dreams, and when it is your time I'll be here with my arms wide open waiting for you."

"I don't know that I can do this without you."

"I do, you are strong like an Amazon, and you are my Willow-tree," Tara said as a tear rolled down her face. "You can talk to me anytime, I'll hear you."

"I love you, baby," Willow said pulling Tara as close to her as she could.

"I love you too," Tara said.

"They are going to make me go back soon aren't they?"

"Yeah, we've already been here longer than they told me we could be."

"I'm scared."

"I know Sweetie, but I'm here," said Tara pulling back and putting her hand over the redheads heart. "I'm never leaving their either."

"How to I do this all without you," asked Willow.

"You left our family help you and you be there for them and help them through this too. Tell them all I love them and give Dawnie an extra big hug for me. You may want to give her one for you as well, you kind of scared the crap out of her."

"Oh no, the seizure," gasped Willow.

"Yep, I have to go now, but I will be watching over you my love," Tara said as she kissed Willow deeply.

"I'll never stop loving you and missing you," whispered Willow.

Tara walked back into the shadows and Willow felt that she was alone here. She knew it was time to go back.

* * *

Willow started to stir on the bed and everyone in the room jumped. Willow slowly opened her eyes to see the worried faces of her family in the warm glow of the candlelight.

"Willow, are you ok," asked Buffy.

"I don't know, but I have a lot to talk to you all about," said Willow

* * *

**TBC…  
********


	7. Chapter 7

**Willara4ever: ** Willow was torturing herself, someone, somehow needed to intervene…nobody but Tara would have any form of effective impact on Willow.

**Feedback:** Pretty please…it helps me improve  
_**  
Authors Notes:**__ Thank you to _**_Willara4ever_**_ for always being willing to read or help when I get writers block...life's drama's do NOT help with writing, but having great helpers/collaborators does!_

* * *

**Chapter 7**

Willow looked around the room and saw that Xander, Dawn, and Giles were there watching her with concerned faces. Willow knew that anything she had to tell them was either going to make them think she was crazy or that maybe after everything they had seen over the years they may give her the benefit of the doubt.

"What do you mean that you have a lot to talk about?" asked Buffy.

"I, well, while I was out The Powers That Be staged an intervention per-say."

"What do you mean an intervention?" asked Giles moving closer to the bed.

"Well, because of the grief and guilt they, um, well, they brought Tara to me, to talk to me," Willow said sheepishly.

"Will, are you sure it wasn't a dream?" asked Xander wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt, but after so many years on the Hellmouth he knew to remain skeptical.

"It was her Xander, she's been watching us, and er me…" Willow started as her voice caught in her throat.

"What do you mean she's been watching us?" asked Dawn.

"From Heaven, she can see us, watch over us," said Willow.

"Could you see us and watch over us?" Dawn asked Buffy.

"No, I couldn't," said Buffy.

"Will, what makes you so sure it really was Tara?" asked Xander still trying to wrap his head around what Willow was telling them.

"Xander, I know my soul mate, I know Tara."

"What did she say," asked Giles.

"Well, um, if someone can help me downstairs, maybe we can get comfortable and I will tell you all what happened."

"You guys go ahead, I'll help Willow get downstairs," said Buffy.

Dawn, Xander, and Giles left the room leaving Willow and Buffy alone.

"Are you sure you are up to this?" asked Buffy.

"Not in the slightest, but I have to do this, if anything Buffy, I have to try to do it for Tara," said Willow feeling her heart-break for the woman she so desperately loved and needed.

"Ok, well, then let's get you showered quickly and then into some clean clothes. The seizure you had, it was pretty intense. Giles said it was one of the bad ones."

"Oh," said Willow.

"Why didn't you…never mind we'll talk about that later," started Buffy.

"Talk about what? Don't shut down now, please Buffy."

"I was going to ask why you didn't tell us, or even just me about the seizures. You scared the hell out of all of us, Dawnie especially, but I felt so helpless Willow."

"I'm sorry, I thought that I had them under control, I thought that maybe, just maybe I had beaten them. Turns out, I haven't and I'm going to venture a guess that I never will, well, at least not until I am with Tara again."

"I want to understand about them and about what ALL is going on with you. You are my best friend and my sister, we need to be open and honest with one another so we can help to support one another."

"I get that, but it is really hard for me to talk about, but I will try," Willow said offering Buffy a small smile.

"Thank you. Now let's get you over to the bathroom to get cleaned up."

* * *

"Giles, do you think that she really saw Tara?" asked the teen hoping that it was possible.

"I don't really know Dawn. Things dealing with The Powers That Be are always hearsay until you figure out how to prove them. I think what matters more than anything is that Willow believes that it was real."

"Yeah, but if she didn't really see Tara and they didn't really have anything to do with it…Giles, could she be losing her grip on reality? I can't lose her to insanity, I can't," said Xander as he started pacing around the room.

"Why don't we reserve judgment on if it was real or not until we talk with Willow," said Giles.

"Should I get some drinks and snacks?" asked Dawn.

"I'll help you," said Xander as they went into the kitchen.

* * *

Willow showered and got dressed and then looked at herself in the mirror. She could see the dark circles around her eyes, the gaunt look to her face, she saw a person she barely recognized looking back at her.

"Baby, I still need you so much. I don't know how to do this without you. I look in the mirror and I don't know this person, I don't understand what her place in this world and life is," thought Willow.

"Willow, you ok in there," said Buffy; the knock on the door causing Willow to jump.

"Yeah, just finishing up; I'll be out in a minute," said Willow still looking at herself in the mirror.

Willow finished getting ready and opened the door to find the Slayer leaning against the wall waiting for her.

"Ready to go downstairs?" asked Buffy.

"Yes and no," smiled Willow sadly.

"You don't have to do anything you aren't up to Willow. Nobody here is going to pressure you or think less of you for not being able to do something."

"I know, but I'm afraid of disappointing Tara, now that I know she's able to see us and watch us," admitted Willow.

"Willow, Tara loved, er loves you beyond understanding and comprehension, nothing you do short of giving up is going to disappoint her."

"As true as that may be Buffy, it doesn't change what my brain thinks and how I am feeling."

"Well, just remember to let the rest of us help you and be there for you," said Buffy as she pulled Willow into a hug.

"Thanks Buffy! Now, help me get downstairs so that I can explain things to everyone."

"Do you want me to carry you down or do you want to walk and I just support you," asked Buffy.

"I can walk, but please, stay close!"

"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else," Buffy said with a smile as they started down the steps to join the others.

* * *

Willow and Buffy joined the others in the living room and once everyone was situated with their snacks and drink all eyes turned to Willow.

* * *

**TBC…**


	8. Chapter 8

**Willara4ever: ** You are right – Willow will hurt no matter what with Tara gone.

**The DragonBard:** Very true that Buffy had no memories of what happened in Heaven, beyond being in a place of perfect peace, and contentment. No fears, no pain, no doubt. I was going more with the theory that if she could have seen them she wouldn't have been in a place with no fears, no pain, and no doubt. That was just my take on it though.

**Feedback:** Pretty please…it helps me improve  
**_  
Authors Notes:_**_ Thank you to __**Willara4ever**__ for always being willing to read or help when I get writers block...life's drama's do NOT help with writing, but having great helpers/collaborators does!_

* * *

**Chapter 8**

"So, um, I guess it is up to me to um explain myself," started Willow.

"Only if you feel up to it," said Giles.

"Yeah, we don't need you having another seizure or putting more stress on yourself," said Dawn.

"Well, let me start by saying that because of the guilt and grief I feel for Tara's death, my system gets overloaded and usually without warning my nerves short-circuit and I have a seizure, some are worse than others."

"A little late to share that bit Will," said Xander.

"I am sorry that I didn't tell you before, I really thought I had it under control. When I was working with the coven, I used to use meditation to control it. I guess I haven't been doing a great job of meditating enough lately."

"You seemed pretty peaceful the other night when you were meditating," said Buffy remembering when she went into the room and watched Willow seeing her look so calm and peaceful.

"Yes, but it takes a lot for the amount of guilt and grief I'm have," Willow said casting her eyes downward.

"You know you need to stop blaming yourself, right?" asked Dawn.

"Listen to the kid Will," added Buffy.

"Anyway, The Powers That Be brought Tara to talk to me as an intervention; she said that they all were worried about me and that she wanted me there in heaven with her, but it wasn't our time to be together yet, that I had a purpose that I needed to fulfill here."

"Did she give you a hint of what that purpose was, or when it was supposed to happen?" asked Xander.

"No, I did ask though. Tara gave me the generic line 'until it is your time to come to me' and then she told me there is no written plan but I needed to help everyone here and help keep everyone safe," said Willow as tears rolled down her face. "I love you guys, but I really want to be with her."

"If she is watching you, does that mean she's watching all of us? Has she seen what has gone on since she um died?" asked Dawn.

"I think it does mean that she is watching all of us Dawnie," said Willow as she moved over to the teen and wrapped her arms around her. "She told me that she saw what I'd been through and the struggles I've had; she saw what you did for her, sitting with her body after she died, helping take care of me while I was getting over the dark magic. Tara said I was supposed to give you an extra big hug and to tell you that she loves you, well all of us."

A glance around the room showed a host of tear-stained faces. Everyone taking in what Willow was telling them and reconciling if they believed it to be something that happened or just an elaborate dream the redhead had. Even if it were a dream, they all wanted to hold in their heart that Tara was in heaven watching them and looking out for them.

"I have a question," said Xander. "Why is it that Tara can see us and is watching over us, but Buffy wasn't able to or at least she doesn't remember being able to?"

"Tara once said that we could end up in one of a Zillion heavenly dimensions. I think that is one of the reasons for the difference in heaven for Buffy and Tara. Buffy you chose to make the leap to save us all and you therefore had accepted your fate. Tara didn't choose to die at that time and because of our connection and The Powers That Be having some purpose for me she is allowed to watch over us," said Willow.

"So, do you get to see her again?" asked Dawn. "I mean without you having to die or have another seizure?"

"No, I think this was a one shot deal. She told me that she would always be in my heart and in my dreams. I would rather have her by my side, and in my arms," Willow said a hint of self-pity showing through.

"Will, Tara loves you so much and she is going to be there waiting for you, but you need to live your life."

"I swear Buffy if you tell me I have to move on I am walking out of this house and never returning, purpose or no purpose," snapped the redhead.

"Will, you know I would never tell you to do that, I know that Tara was your soul mate and that you only find that once if ever."

"I miss her, she was my everything, she made me a better person," cried Willow.

"She made us all better people Willow. All of us are better because we had Tara in our life," said Giles.

"Will, you and Tara raised me after Mom and Buffy died. I know how hard it is," said Dawn tears rolling down her face.

"Then let me have the time to grieve, a few months, that isn't long enough, a few years may not be long enough, but I have to decide when it has been enough," said Willow as she stood and moved towards the patio door and looked outside staring blankly.

"Why don't you guys go into the kitchen and let me talk with Willow," said Giles.

"Ok," said the group as they all got up and left the room.

"Willow, you know that they weren't trying to tell you that you couldn't grieve for her," started Giles.

"I know," Willow said flatly.

"Then why be so harsh with them?"

"I'm scared, more scared than I was in England."

"Scared of what?" he asked.

"Scared that over time the hurt will be less and that Tara will think that I have forgotten about her or that I don't love her anymore and that I won't ever see her again," Willow said as her legs gave way and she slid down the door and curled up into a ball.

"Willow," Giles gasped as he wrapped her into his arms. "Tara would never ever think that you would forget her or love her any less."

"How do you know? How can I believe that?"

"I know her, you know her that is how you know you can believe me," he said hugging her as close as he could.

"What if she does though," cried Willow.

"That would only be true if she wasn't your true soul mate."

"She is my soul mate, I know that," Willow said through a sniffle.

"Then you know that she will always know that you love her and that you are always thinking about her," said Giles.

They sat there, Willow crying in his arms, the others watching from the kitchen having heard the whole conversation, all of their hearts broken for the pain the redhead was feeling.

* * *

**TBC…**


	9. Chapter 9

_**Authors Note: **__THANK YOU! To everyone reading and reviewing! This is the last chapter!_

**Feedback:** Pretty please…it helps me improve  
_  
__**Special Thanks:**__ Thank you to _**_Willara4ever_**_ for always being willing to read or help when I get writers block...life's drama's do NOT help with writing, but having great helpers/collaborators does!_

**_Lyrics from: Creed - One Last Breath_**

* * *

**Chapter 9**

"Giles," started the redhead after she had cried and he had held her.

"Yes, Willow," he said softly.

"I don't want to forget her, I don't want to lose anything about her."

"Will, can we join you guys?" asked Buffy.

"Yeah," whispered Willow staring at the floor ashamed of how she had acted towards them.

"Willow,come here please," said Xander with his arms extended towards her.

Willow looked disbelieving at her family as they still wanted to help her, to have her near even after how she had acted towards them. She wasn't sure if she was ready, but Giles softly nudged her to move towards the others. After a second and more persistent third nudge Willow finally moved towards the open arms of her oldest friend. She found herself engulfed in a hug from him, his strong arms holding her tight, safe, comforting her.

"I love you," he started. "You are my oldest, my best friend, you have no idea how much you mean to me. I know you are hurting, I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are in, but I'm here, I'm not going anywhere. I know how much you love Tara, and I know how much she loves you. Willow, please, let me help you grieve, let me help support you."

"I don't deserve your understanding," cried Willow into his chest.

"Of course you do, and you will always have it," said Xander.

After she cried in Xanders arms for a bit she started to pull back and saw Buffy holding her arms out. Willow felt Xander nudge her to move to Buffy's arms, not wanting to get nudged too many times she conceded and moved to the Slayers strong arms.

"You are a silly, quirky girl Ms. Rosenberg," started Buffy holding Willow as close as she could. "None of us would ever question your love and devotion to Tara, everyone that saw you two together, that got to know the two of you as a couple were blessed to have seen such pure love. What you and Tara have is something that most of us will never find nor will we even come close to finding. Willow, you two were the exception to the rule, you were the miracle."

"And now she's gone," whispered Willow into Buffy's hold.

"For now, you know that you are going to get to see her and be with her when it is your time."

"I can still feel what it feels like to have her hold me close, to feel her breath on my neck when she held me at night. I don't want to ever lose that."

"Willow, you won't," said Dawn as she moved to hug the redhead even though she was still being held by her sister. "Tara's hugs, her soft words, they are so powerful. I can still feel them around me, feel her hugging me."

"You can?" asked Willow as she moved and wrapped an arm around the teen.

"We all can Willow," said Xander. "The love that Tara had for this family was so pure, we always knew how much she cared about us, how loved we were."

"It's true Willow," added Giles. "I felt it, I saw it, I knew how she felt toward all of us, but most of all..."

"We saw how much she loved you," said Buffy finishing Giles sentence.

"We don't ever want to forget her or how it felt to be loved by her, but you need to grieve and live Willow. Tara doesn't want you dwelling and hurting yourself. We need you, she said she needed you to help us, to keep us safe," said Xander.

"I don't know how," said Willow the tear that had streamed down her face slowing.

"By letting us love you and help you," said Dawn. "That is what Tara said to me once when I was trying to deal with Mom and Buffy's death."

"She was a very wise woman," said Buffy.

"That was because she had the kindest, most pure heart," said Giles. "She touched us all and made us all stronger and better."

"I second what the G-man said," agreed Xander.

Willow looked at everyone, she felt the love they had for her, she had always felt that, but now she felt the love that they had for Tara, her Tara, the one and only true love that she would ever have. The warmth of their love, the comfort that it offered was something that she had been missing.

"I don't know what to say, I love you all so much," said Willow as they pulled into a group hug with her in the middle.

"We love you too, we are here for you, now and forever, we're family," said Buffy.

_**Six months later...**_

"Hey Willow, how is that research going? Have you found anything yet?" asked Buffy.

"I'm still searching," said Willow. "Hey Buffy, can we go visit Tara today?"

"Sure, whenever you want," said Buffy.

Willow had been meditating and had been seizure free for four months now. They had made it a routine that she would put two days of meditating in-between her visits to Tara. Though she was dealing with the grief and guilt, they were something that she still didn't have control over.

As they walked through Sunnydale, Willow looking around taking in the earths connections and the energy, she wished that she could share it with Tara or see her again.

"Do you want me to wait back here?" asked Buffy as they arrived at the cemetery.

"No, you can come up with me, it might help me actually," said Willow fidgeting with something she had in her pocket.

"Ok, then let's go see Tara," said Buffy looping her arm around Willows as they walked towards Tara's gravestone.

Once they arrived Buffy stayed in the background, but still close enough that Willow knew she was there.

"Hey Baby," started Willow. "I know it hasn't been two days since I last saw you, but I promise to meditate tonight. I'm doing what you told me you needed me to do, I'm helping everyone and keeping them safe. I don't know if you are still watching or not," said Willow as a tear rolled down her face. "I feel like you are, that is what helps me keep going, I don't want to let you down or disappoint you ever," Willow said as she felt Buffy wrap her arms around her and hold her from behind. "They all love you and miss you so much. Dawn and I talked the other day about how we've both felt like you've been there hugging us when we've gotten to our low spots. Thank you for that. I was doing some research for the 'new evil' that we are working on and I came across a song that really hit home for me. I brought the lyrics," said Willow pulling the paper out of her pocket and unfolding it. She looked at Buffy who squeezed her waist and then she read the lyrics to Tara.

_**"One Last Breath"**_

_Please come now I think I'm falling_

_I'm holding on to all I think is safe_  
_It seems I found the road to nowhere_  
_And I'm trying to escape_  
_I yelled back when I heard thunder_  
_But I'm down to one last breath_  
_And with it let me say_  
_Let me say_

_Hold me now_  
_I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking_  
_maybe six feet_  
_Ain't so far down_

_I'm looking down now that it's over_  
_Reflecting on all of my mistakes_  
_I thought I found the road to somewhere_  
_Somewhere in His grace_  
_I cried out heaven save me_  
_But I'm down to one last breath_  
_And with it let me say_  
_Let me say_

_Hold me now_  
_I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking_  
_maybe six feet_  
_Ain't so far down_

_Sad eyes follow me_  
_But I still believe there's something left for me_  
_So please come stay with me_  
_'Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me_  
_For you and me_  
_For you and me_

_Hold me now_

_I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking_  
_maybe six feet_  
_Ain't so far down_

_Please come now I think I'm falling_  
_I'm holding on to all I think is safe_

"Willow," whispered Buffy receiving a look from Willow telling her to be patient.

"You see baby, I'm holding to now, I was close to the edge closer than I ever should have gotten, but I know there is something more for you and I once I get to you and we spend our eternity together. I just have to keep holding on until it is our time," said Willow.

Buffy held her friend and cried on her shoulder from the honesty and openness she showed her soul mate.

"I love you baby, forever!"

**The End**


End file.
